Goodbye,
I Love You.
Ever
since I was a kid I have always been an emotional mess. Whether it’s just
loving everything and everyone, or almost breaking into tears when I get upset.
Being emotional has caused me to be more sentimental, and believe in goodbyes.
5 years ago my Papa (Grandpa) passed away at 65. Although
he had many complications in life, almost dying on multiple occasions, he
always came home. But this last time we hold onto the memories continually
waiting.
A few weeks before I went down to my Papas house, which
is in Reeds Spring, Missouri, with my sister and mother, just as we did almost
every Sunday. That whole day I was with him I had an eerie feeling that I just
couldn’t shake, not knowing why. At the conclusion of our visit, I hugged him
goodbye told him I loved him out of habit like I would with anyone, without
weighing the words I was using.
My Grandpa whom had lived alone for many years, was sad
and lonely and was wanting to have a caretaker or someone to live with him to
keep him company. My mother put out a flier for a caretaker (My Papa couldn’t
read or write to do it himself) and finally found this lady named Jodi who
seemed to check out okay. She stayed with him for a year or so and she
continually took advantage of him, stealing his narcotics. The week after I had
seen my Papa last, he overdosed on his narcotics intentionally induced by Jodi.
When he was in the hospital they discovered he also had pneumonia. I
continually asked to go see him in the hospital knowing that this could be the
last time. My mother did not allow us to go see him, because she didn’t want
the last thing we remember of him to be the state he was in in the hospital.
A week later I came home from school to find my mom in
her room laying on her side with the blanket over her. Immediately I knew what
had happened. I broke down in tears and laid on the bed with her not being able
to find the words to make her feel better. There were none. As I lay there I
thought about the last time I saw him, wishing I could’ve hugged him longer,
held him tighter, and told him I truly love him.
As I sat and pondered the loss of my only true grandpa,
the only one who was there through everything, I couldn’t help but think about
my last goodbye. Before this I never really thought about or believed in the
power and meaning of a goodbye.
Being the emotional mess I am, I came to the realization
that I never want to experience that type of regret, especially with goodbyes,
ever again. So I believe in goodbyes. Telling someone you love them, cherishing
every last second with every person you encounter. Because you never know who
is the next person to leave this life. He came to me in a dream, driving me
around in his truck, happy as can be. I broke out in tears and through the
sobbing I said, knowing the full weight of my words “goodbye Papa, I love you”.
